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[+] considerations for the prospective groom
[+] all the groom needs to know about engagement rings
a second marriage for the groom?
dealing with cold feet or wedding jitters
the name change: sometimes touchy
backing out of your wedding: a survival manual
When your fiancée suddenly becomes your wife, you will have to get used to a whole new introduction in social situations. For you, it's not so bad. "This is my... wife , Cheryl." It will be a process of trial and error that will start with the occasional "girlfriend" or "fiancée" and will eventually become an automatic "wife."
When it comes to yourwife , however, being a married woman now means a potential rebirth in the eyes of every company on the planet with whom you're associated. It also means your wife may be shedding her family name forever, which carries its own set of emotions.
A University of Florida study by Diana Boxer involving 134 married women ranging in age from their 20s to their 70s who lived in various parts of the United States, found that only 18 percent had kept their own names, compared with 77 percent who took a husband's name.
Despite the trend to revert to tradition, you should know you have more than one option as a married couple as to what to do about the name thing. (And this choice is ultimately a personal one.)
The Old-Fashioned Option
The most traditional approach to post-nuptial naming is for the wife to adopt your surname and discard her own. This may take some time for her to get used to, especially if she has a fondness (or preference) for her name. This will also require her to diligently change her name to yours on all existing accounts and documents. This can be a long and tedious task, but there are services out there to lighten the load. MissNowMrs.com is one of these services. There you can enter the name change in one place and MissNowMrs.com will make the change for your Social Security, IRS, U.S. Passport, U.S. Postal Service, Driver's License and Certified Marriage Certificate(s) documents. This does require some entering of information, a fee, and some printing, but is far easier than tackling each document separately.
The Hyphenated Option
This approach to re-naming can be a good compromise for those women who wish to state that they're yours and also still themselves. It can conjure up images of royalty or power-hungry, self-important women, but in the end, the call is hers. For teachers and for women with established careers, this option is understandable.
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KateNJeff
Mon, Dec.1st 2008
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When we got married, we combined our names - not with a hyphen, because that gets too long, but by actually sticking the end syllable of Jeff's name to the beginning syllable of Kate's. It's actually a very cool and unique name, and I've never met a girl who didn't want to bring it up to her future or current fiance as an option. Guys may snort, but that just means that Jeff's more of a man than them. We considered using a brand new name, but couldn't come up with anything that we liked enough, or using Jeff's mom's maiden name which was "lost" because of a string of girls who took their husbands' names. But combining our names just worked out better.
Anita
Tue, Nov.25th 2008
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I would like to be called socially by my new husbands last name but dread the thought of changing my name on every single document and account I have at this time. Any way I could introduce myself as Mrs. Thomas but keep my name as it is( I now use my first husbands last name, he died, we did not divorce)?
Caroline G
Wed, Nov.19th 2008
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Each person, individually, should be able to choose if they want to keep their last name or not, male or female. Your last name won't change our marriage for the better, fix your sex problems, or wash the dishes at night.
Also, for the men who feel so strongly about not take their wife's last name, how is that different than women feeling strongly about keeping their last name? It's not, men just think it makes them less of a man to have the female's last name...why? How is taking her last name any different than taking yours? Why do men feel the need to be more dominant? Or is labeling her with your last name make her your property, therefore make you feel more like a man? This is the Southern BS mentality!
Your name is part of your identity and a name you have grown up with for a few decades before considering to change it because you are legally bound to someone. Men get over off your high horse and out of the1950's.
AJ
Tue, Nov.18th 2008
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ok every one the last name does not matter the fact is ur taking the biggest step of ur life so just enjoy it
Amanda
Mon, Nov.17th 2008
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As a scholar, I sometimes come across difficult naming situations. One such situation arose out of an older scholar changing her last name via marriage. Rosemary X became Rosemary Y and, with no hyphenation, I was at a loss to determine Rosemary's true name. Eventually, I ended up contacting her directly to confirm my suspicious that Y used to be X, but I could very well have been way off target and soliciting a completely unrelated Rosemary.
As for myself, I married before pursuing my doctorate so that all of my important work was published under my married name.
And, @ Kyle F: what a selfish, homophobic, anti-feminist thing to say. Everyone has a family name to preserve, not just men. Every situation is unique and some men may prefer the option of taking their wives' surnames (or even their husbands'!). Please think before you make a bigoted comment.
Brandon
Mon, Nov.10th 2008
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As a tenure-track professor, it's very important that my fiancee keep her last name, so all of the research she has done and articles she has published before we are married will continue to be associated with her career as she moves forward. It is an example of the name indeed carrying qualifications, abilities and achievement. I'm very proud of her, and am looking forward to taking and sharing her name.
Dean
Fri, Nov.7th 2008
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If my fiance either a) wouldn't take my surname, b) wanted a hyphenated surname, or c) wanted me to change my surname to hers, I would just call the wedding off and not marry her.
Name Keeper (and changer)
Fri, Oct.17th 2008
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First, I'd like to let all the men know that there aren't actually harpies who come to chop out certain parts of your anatomy if you decide to change your name to your wife's. I was really encouraged that the conversation here was started by guys who are changing their name; you are awesome. I was also disheartened and a little shocked at many of the fears and anxieties that people shared about this topic. It just goes to show you that sexism is not irrelevant in any marriage; even if you do your best, those are still the external pressures you face and they still affect your marriage in certain places. The name change issue is one of those places, and the fact that some of the men on this board are so strongly against changing their names highlights my point.
After agonizing over it, I decided to make my husband's last name my middle name, and keep my last name (yet another option, but requires a separate court order in some states). He refused to take my last name as his middle name, which I accepted - this is because of sexism, but not necessarily because my husband is sexist.
I also wanted to say to groomgroove that I think it is really great that there is a venue for this discussion. However, I am offended by the implication that the wife's choice of name would be the decision of the couple. I offered my opinion about the name I would have preffered my husband to choose, but the choice was ultimately his, just as my choice was mine. Keeping an open dialogue is certainly important in the relationshp, but, while men are allowed to have an opinion, their wife's name is NOT their choice. The person who has to live with this name is the only person who can make the choice, both legally and morally.
Bee
Fri, Oct.17th 2008
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I'm a teacher, and at work I'm going to keep using my maiden name, but I'm legally changing my name to my husbands name, and will use that in all other aspects of my life. It may be a bit superficial, but being a middle school teacher with the last name Hegg (so very similar to hag) would make for unfortunate comparisons.
Mandy
Sat, Oct.4th 2008
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I love tradition so I would dnever consider taking my last name. And as for a high power job, a name doesn't carry your qualifications, abilities and achievement. If you took your husbands last name, all those things would still go with you.
It's just that everyone else would learn to call you by a different last name.
Audrey
Fri, Sep.12th 2008
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I come from a fairly prominent large family. I quite proud of being introduced to someone and them asking me "so, are you ____'s daughter? Or neice?" My name is my identity, regardless of whether or not I have a strong career. My partner and I discussed my name change, us both hyphenating and decided that for all the trouble of changing names that we would stay as we are and our children would have hyphenated last names since our names sound great together.
My mom feels one of her biggest regrets in married life was not keeping her own name and pushing for my brother and I to have her last name as well. She didn't hyphenate, she added my dad's last name. 18 years later, when they split, she dropped his name. No one was confused by my brother and I having a different name. Simply one correction of "No, not Mrs. ____, my mom is Ms. ___ or simply _____ (her first name).
Which brings up the whole frustration of being "Mrs." No, thank you. I'll be quite simply, Ms. ___ for life.
Jane
Thu, Sep.11th 2008
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I'm proud to say that my husband is secure enough in his identity and in our relationship to never have considered asking a woman to change her name to his, and to always have assumed that any woman he married would want to keep her name. He is also very clear that we are a family and he certainly does not think I am an 'ugly person' as Lisa below so kindly stated. Oh, and I didn't have a 'high-power' job at all. I was unemployed when we got together, in fact, and I'm only just going through grad school now. I don't need an excuse to keep my name. I have the right to keep that link to my identity (or, just to not have to stand in all those lines and do all that messing around) just as much as he does, and just as much as all the men who state they would NEVER - gasp! - take their wife's name.
We have been married almost 6 years, and are very happy and optimistic about our future together.
Some people made silly comments, but they were dealt with appropriately - either it was ignored or a polite request was made to stop (or, in one case, a complaint was made to the person's manager.) The reaction of, say, my father-in-law, is completely irrelevant, as it's as little of his business as, say, his choice of car is my business. Some people did make fools of themselves by purposely or 'accidentally' calling me the wrong name, and others genuinely slipped up, and all were pleasantly informed of my actual name. Simple.
Names have nothing whatsoever to do with what makes a family. Aren't you your maternal grandmother's grandson? You probably have a different name to her. Many cultures have done without last names, or without the custom of women changing, and functioned just fine.
Kristina
Mon, Aug.25th 2008
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Lisa, I honestly haven't read a more vomitous blog comment than your reply. Why not do what you want to do without worrying about what other people are going to think? Worrying about whether other people will think you're a "wet mop" sounds a lot more wimpy than doing what you want. As for the confident and womanly skirt part - that's just frightening.
Jill
Wed, Aug.13th 2008
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My future husband is taking my last name because his last name is Frankenstein. He was made fun of all his life and now is the perfect opportunity to change his name. He is totally fine with it:)
Myra
Tue, Aug.12th 2008
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I Really Dont see a problem with my husband taking my last name.
Sometimes you have to make a few changes in the relation ship, and if he doesn't mine why should others? Besides you dont have to go around explaining to everyone what happens between you and your spouse.
Lisa
Wed, Jul.16th 2008
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Please do not take the woman's last name! That's just...not right. In my family, I'm the last with our family name, so I am choosing to hyphenate. But, my fiancee's cousin chose to keep hers due to her so-called high power job, and it just makes her look like an ugly person, and her husband look like a wet mop. Be the man in our lives, we're YOUR wife, you aren't ours. Treat us like ladies and wear the pants, but allow us to wear a very womanly & confident skirt beside you.
John
Mon, Jun.30th 2008
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A guy take the girls name? Seriously? That guy'll be the laughing stock of poker night!
Deez
Tue, Apr.29th 2008
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I'm not Mister old fashioned, but there's nothing wrong with some traditions. If you want to take on your wife's name or pick some new name just to buck at conformity, so be it. But it seems lame to me, and a knee-jerk reaction to an alleged sexism that isn't necessarily there in every case. A woman strength and independence comes by way of her actions and character, not by refusing her husband's name.
Shannon
Thu, Apr.17th 2008
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My fiancé and I have chosen a new name that is significant and unique to both of us. It was an amusing and interesting experience trying to choose one that we both liked.
Louie
Tue, Apr.1st 2008
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My fiancé is discarding her middle name and going first name, maiden name, my last name. It is another option. Just thought I'd throw that out there.
Dash
Mon, Mar.31st 2008
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When I got married, I decided to hyphenate our names, since I come from a family of all girls and the name would then end. My husband surprised everyone and hyphenated as well. We now share a name unique to us, and so does our daughter!
vince
Sun, Mar.2nd 2008
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the way me and my fiancee are doing it, we are sharing names, so we are becoming gelinas-ramsay
Rodney
Wed, Feb.13th 2008
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My fiancee' Chante' has a cool last name and it fits her wll, but She is going to be Mrs. Davis now, no way I will ever change my last name to hers!!
Dawn
Thu, Feb.7th 2008
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Definitely disappointed by the fact that you didn't include taking the wife's name. My fiance was all for taking mine (I have 2 sisters and my father only had sisters so there's nobody to pass the name on) but then his father wouldn't let us. It's a viable option.
Kyle F.
Thu, Feb.7th 2008
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NEVER ever take the womans name on. That is a horrible idea. I am the last male in my family to pass the name on, my wife-to-be has a brother to pass theirs on. If you take on the womans name you mine as well get a sex change and be lesbian with her.
mr soon to be wed
Sun, Feb.3rd 2008
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You know, a name change for men isn't a big deal , and if the stigma attached is ever going to be removed, more guys need to think about it.
Also, there is the concern of "passing on the family name." Well, how do you think the father of the bride feels?
FYI,Don Cherry's son in law did it.
j24
Wed, Jan.9th 2008
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What about a new name altogether?
GroomGroove.com
Mon, Dec.31st 2007
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Hey guys - Thanks for the comments. We will explore taking the wife's name and revisit the article.
Jon
Sun, Dec.30th 2007
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I know more than one man who has taken his wife's last name... so don't say that "no guy is going to do it." It's not the norm, but it's certainly done.
Fri, Dec.28th 2007
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For "Guy" - who is going to take their wife's name? I mean, really. Yeah, i'm sure it's a nice jesture and even if you have a long name, no guy is going to do it.
Guy
Sat, Dec.22nd 2007
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You left out the option of taking your wife's last name!
Nicholas S.
Sun, Dec.16th 2007
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Most definitely a very important step.
Evan A.
Sun, Dec.16th 2007
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I'm taking my wife's last name. We both like it, plus, her last name has more "clout".
Groom
Mon, Sep.17th 2007
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K - that's gotta be a first. But if his name is hard to spell or weird, fine, but his friends are going to make fun of him!
Dean H.
Fri, Aug.10th 2007
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The Hyphenated option sounds just like my fiancee!
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